I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
