Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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