my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
