So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I looked at my own cervix.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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