You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
