I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
