My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
