Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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