I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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