Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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