The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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