I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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