The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
