Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize