i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
