2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
