Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
