So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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