I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
When did angry sex become our thing?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize