Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
