I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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