did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
