She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
