I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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