ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I think pants incapable of making pants work
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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