Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
