I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
