Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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