i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
