The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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