He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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