Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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