took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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