this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
