If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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