Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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