I wannas sexs uuuuu
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
