this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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