My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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