also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
