remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
