i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
