she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
