I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
