I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
