Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
