We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
