Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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