Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize