How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
