i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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