I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
