I feel like I'm in dance class right now
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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