Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
