I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
