he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize