i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
