finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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