WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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