OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
