We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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