those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize