my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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