Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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