I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
