So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
