I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
